Reader Academic-Minded Dad writes,
My parents were both teachers and my mom pushed academics crazy hard. School performance got all tied up with my self-worth and by the time I got to college it led to a rift with her that’s never fully healed.
So now I have three kids and my oldest has just started school. Obviously stakes are low at this point, but she’s a kid that is very apt to dig in if she feels like he’s being forced to do something. So far she’s doing fine at kindergarten, but I do worry that as she gets older she won’t have the discipline to do her school work even though I suspect she will easily be smart enough to be a good student.
I don’t want to relive what happened to me from the parent side, but the same time I have visions of her being utterly lazy in school (like my cousin was, who was parented differently) and underachieving.
What’s the best way for me to help her perform her best without either a) letting her off scot-free and having her mail it in or b) making it all about school and risk an unproductive power struggle?
Dear AMD,
It is a delicate balance between pushing and motivating. Overall, I believe that American parents nowadays think that their parenting is the primary variable that determines how their child will turn out, but I disagree, and so do many people. (Read The Nurture Assumption by Judith Rich Harris for an interesting perspective on how little parenting matters compared to other variables.)
Children respond much more to what they see around them than to what you tell them to do, anyway. For instance, as I discuss here, the number of books in the home corresponds as much to children’s academic achievement as their parent’s own academic achievement does; I think this is because in a household where the adults are reading, kids learn that reading is fun. Seeing you read will be much better for your kid than you commanding her: Do your spelling homework! Do your ten minutes of reading!
Think about your end goal. Is it only high grades and getting into a “good” school? If so, why? So many people with these outward indicators of success are unhappy and unfulfilled. I think a better value to instill is intellectual curiosity, love of learning, ability to take failure in stride, being a kind person, honesty, integrity, well roundedness… the list goes on. I say, let your kid do her own homework. If she asks you for help, give her some help without doing it. But the real magic happens when you express an interest in what she is learning, when you learn alongside her about things you are both interested in, and when you recognize that social and physical play is just as important (for adults also) as academic achievement.
Personally, I would be happier if my child was a happy grownup with an enjoyable life than if he or she was an unhappy adult with an awesome job that could only be obtained through having straight A’s. Every parent is hoping these aren’t mutually exclusive– high achievement and happiness– and for some lucky people they aren’t. But if you start to sense that an achievement-oriented focus in your home is not helping your kid thrive, then look at the big picture, step back, and start to focus on allowing your child’s own strengths and curiosity and innate love of learning (everyone loves to learn about something, and video games count) to shine.
Thanks for writing in, and best of luck to you and your daughter. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, And Read This.