Reader Mom Of Perfect,
Any tips on helping a perfectionist child deal? My 6 year old has set a very high bar for herself. ex: She recently cried because none of her art is displayed in a museum. She also has a hard time accepting any sort of correction, I think because she sees doing so as admitting something bad about herself. If a teacher asks her to rewrite a letter because she wrote it backwards the first time, she thinks the teacher is being mean. Or if I ask her to speak more quietly she explains that she has to be loud for XYZ reasons, or says that she doesn’t sound loud in her own ears (the doctor said her hearing is fine).
We’ve tried the basic advice. Whenever possible we discuss whether a successful person worked hard for a long time to get there and made mistakes, or woke up at 5 years old drawing like a Disney artist/winning the Olympics/getting published. I try to compliment effort over results, and ask her what she likes about her own work. We’ve discussed that everyone is learning and makes mistakes and no one is perfect, and that mistakes don’t make you a bad person. Still, the perfectionist is there and its so exhausting to know that any time I correct anything she does, there’s a good chance she’ll be defensive. I’m not always patient about the excuse making either, and she gets very upset. I’m trying a sticker chart now for good behavior. Is this a phase? How can I get my child to just say “OK Mommy!” and try to do better in the future?
Dear MOP,
It sounds like you have tried everything except looking in at your own unconscious behavior. Are you hard on yourself? Do you have enough self-compassion? Usually, kids who are perfectionistic are exposed to high standards. If you’re not giving her high standards for her work, it’s time to look inward at your standards for yourself (and for your partner, other moms, coworkers, etc.).
It is great that you focus on how people all make mistakes. Next, try to make mistakes in front of her. Think of something that is really hard for you to admit or apologize for, and do it. A good one is losing your temper, being rude, or something like that. If she sees you overcome awkward or self-consciousness to admit a mistake and apologize for it, then she can model her behavior on yours. Also, give her concrete words to say when she is wrong, and prompt her to say them. “Okay Mommy!” is a good one.
If you and/or your partner are super high achievers, or a sibling is, then it can also be hard for her to understand why she isn’t already successful as well. Talk about your own history getting to where you are, and all the embarrassing mistakes you made as a kid, teenager, and last week! Kids love to hear that parents aren’t perfect, and will really remember these stories. My kids enjoyed hearing the story about me not having any friends at camp. Ha ha. That was a real laugh riot.
Anyway, I wish you luck, and I hope her art does end up in a museum one day. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Look Inward, Grasshopper.