Reader Worried Mom writes,
My daughter is 7 years old and has been bullied and excluded from groups of friends fairly consistently since starting pre-school. She is very mature for her age, much prefers the company of adults and has specific interests that her peers do not particularly share. She also attends a school in an underprivileged area, so unfortunately her school friends do not attend any extracurricular activities or enjoy some of the luxuries she does, which makes her stick out slightly, and I think causes a slight jealousy. All of which makes her life uncomfortable at school.
While the teacher was supportive while obvious bullying was taking place, she did not offer any practical help. My daughter therefore spends a large portion of the day alone. She is becoming increasingly clingy to me, her physical health is deteriorating with lots of periods of being physically sick (that only happen during school). She is always happy and confident during vacations, and instantly withdraws, becomes upset and occasionally angry as soon as school resumes. She has mentioned several incidents of children telling her she’s stupid, can’t read, doesn’t know anything etc, which is causing her to constantly shout “you’re so STUPID” at herself if she makes even the smallest mistake. She told me yesterday her whole body aches with sadness.
My husband and I spend a LOT of time trying to reverse this by really praising her when she achieves something specific, or reaches a particular goal. She has great perseverance which we often congratulate her on. We try to avoid making blanket statements about her being amazing, and instead make a huge deal out of each small achievement. We tell her constantly how much we love her etc to try and build confidence, but our words seem to be drowned out by the voices of her peers. She does struggle to share sometimes, and she can be a bit of a tattletale – none of which helps her in a school setting. (I often consider home schooling, as we are on the wait list for private schools but likely won’t get in next year, but I worry that by removing her from a social setting I won’t be helping her in the long run. ) And I try to always encourage sharing with her sister, and I encourage her to only tell an adult if somebody is going to hurt themselves or hurt others with their actions, but perhaps I should do more of this? Please help.
Dear WM,
I am sorry that your daughter is having such a rough time, it sounds incredibly hard on you as well. I have written here about how to help a child make friends, and here about a child who is too perfectionistic; both of these apply. I would steer clear of the idea that the kids are excluding your daughter because of her increased access to extracurriculars and the like. First, the exclusion has been since age three, and no three year old kid knows whether another goes to dance or gymnastics. In fact, seven year olds wouldn’t know this either, unless your daughter is bragging about it. So let’s try and understand why she’s not fitting in with her peers.
One thing that stuck out to me is your excessive use of praise, and the fact that it doesn’t “work.” I understand why you are praising your daughter so much. You want to ameliorate the effects of the negative comments she gets at school from peers. But a lot of research indicates that excessive praise makes kids into “praise junkies,” which would make her even less able to deal with criticism from others, and more obsessed with avoiding “mistakes” that would thereby lessen her likelihood of receiving praise. Praise also saps intrinsic motivation. There is also going to be a vast disconnect between the amount of praise she receives at home versus anywhere else, which will likely make her prefer to stay home and bask in the praise versus going out into the cruel world (I think this happens to some young adults post-college as well). Read Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn for more on why praise may ironically be worsening things for many kids.
Another thing that I touched on is the fact that you are making excuses for why she doesn’t fit in, including that she is well-off compared to the other kids, and mature for her age. However difficult it may be, it is useful to take a more objective look at the reasons for her not making friends. You said she is mature, but tattling on others is not a very mature behavior, and neither is an inability to share. As for sticking out because of luxuries, usually the kids with the coolest stuff and who are well-off are actually the most popular, if only because the other kids want to get in on some of their cool stuff and activities. But that only happens if the child is socially skilled and able to make others feel good in her presence.
You mentioned homeschooling while you wait to get her into another school, and I do not think that is a bad idea. If her anxiety continues, then you may have to do this to protect her, before her anxiety and somatic symptoms get worse. But before that, I recommend the following:
- Get her into therapy, where she can discuss her anxiety with a therapist, work on her perfectionism, and learn some ways to make friends.
- Read up on the deleterious effects of too much praise, and stop telling her good job for everything. If you treat a child like a hothouse orchid, they are likely to turn into one.
- Promote empathy for the other children. If she tells you a story where someone did something “wrong,” reframe it, like so:
“Josh was jumping around a lot at lunch and bumped into you? It sounds like it is hard for him to sit still. Next time instead of telling the teacher or telling him he bothered you, how about you try just saying ‘It’s okay’ since it sounds like he didn’t mean to hurt you.” - Examine your definition of bullying. Telling a peer that they did something dumb isn’t nice, but it’s not bullying. A long campaign of one peer attacking another, verbally or physically, is bullying. It’s also not bullying if your daughter is not nice right back.
- Start a MASSIVE effort to create some friendships for her in school, using some of these techniques. Invite one of the girls in the class home with her each week or weekend. Make a super-awesome playdate replete with crafts and cookies. Befriend the parents. Note: if you cannot befriend the parents, how would you expect your daughter to learn how to befriend the kids?
If you try this till the end of the schoolyear and nothing changes, then take her out and try homeschooling, but make sure you follow the above rules even if you homeschool, meaning you move mountains to find the other likeminded homeschoolers and befriend them and their parents. Thanks for writing in and keep me updated! Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Parenting Is Tough.