Highly sensitive kids or those who are socially anxious often struggle with social situations. Only children can struggle with more complex situations as well, because they don’t have the constant practice of navigating siblings’ moods and behaviors. One situation that can be highly stressful for these types of kids is when a peer is being rude or annoying in a way that doesn’t meet threshold for “bullying.”
If someone is trying to irritate your child or being obnoxious (example: someone was continually cheating during chess match with my daughter), your child may be unable to tolerate the behavior and want adult intervention. However, if the other child isn’t doing something that is objectively considered very bad (and highly sensitive or anxious kids are irritated much more easily than other kids, so it is likely that it doesn’t meet this threshold), your kid risks being branded as a “tattletale” if they run and tell a grown up. If they don’t get a grownup involved, though, there is the risk of your child exploding or crying and thereby making the social situation even worse. What should you advise your child to do?
A great strategy that worked with my oldest was telling her to first try ignoring the behavior, but if she can’t, then really loudly say, “HEY, STOP BOTHERING ME! STOP IT!” Say it over and over. This way, without being a tattletale, a teacher or a parent will usually hear the ruckus, come over, and intervene. Kids under the age of 9 or even older won’t suspect that your child is being louder to get someone’s attention. A bonus of course is that many times the other kid just stops what they were doing because they become intimidated or at least weirded out by your child’s loud voice. (It’s better to be weird and loud than a tattle tale, socially.)
Keep in mind that less assertive or more socially anxious kids and/or those who struggle with immediate recourse to “tattling” may have to roleplay this technique with parents in order to get it down. Involving older siblings in the role play can be useful as well, unless the dynamic between your kids is that the older looks down on the younger’s social difficulties. (Of course, try to work on this, but in the interim, don’t exacerbate the dynamic by involving the older in the younger’s issues.)
Another useful strategy for awkward or difficult situation is to tell your kid that if they ever call you by a different name (e.g. “Ma” instead of the usual “Mom”, “Mom” instead of “Mommy”) in front of people or over the phone, this is a secret code. It means that you need to take a closer look at the situation and perhaps intervene, because a social situation is going poorly for your child. Over the phone, it would mean that you ask yes/no questions, like, “Are you ok? Should I come to get you right now?” If you do ever intervene, do not try and tell the other child to be nicer to your child, and don’t even try to mediate the conflict. Try to extricate your child with some kind of excuse, like, “Come here, I want you to see this video Dad sent on my phone” or something that gets the kid out of the immediate situation. I say this because for every parent that is adept at mediation, there is one who is really inept and may end up making things worse for the child socially (and nobody knows if they are that parent).
If you have an anxious kid, discuss these strategies with them and see what they think. Even a non-anxious child may appreciate having some more tools in their social toolbox (and saying corny things like that is why I don’t try to mediate any peer conflict for my kids…). And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, You Can Also Read Books On Social Skills And Bullying, Like Little Girls Can Be Mean.