Reader Devoted Aunt writes,
I have a seven year old niece who I am very concerned about and I would like some advice on how to help her. She has had a pretty rough childhood. Her mom got pregnant only a few weeks into dating my brother. They broke up during the pregnancy but my brother has had joint custody since she was born. Both of her parents try hard but neither of them is very stable. Both have gone through a few different partners in her short life and moved around a lot.
When she was around two, my brother was about to be deployed to the middle east for the military when he found out that her mom and step-dad were using cocaine. He was not able to cancel his deployment and my niece had to go live with a different brother for a year until her mom was able to get her drug issues under control.
When she was around 5, my brother got arrested for sexual assault and ended up spending a year in jail. Because of the laws in his state, he can’t be alone with any minor children, let alone her, even though his crime had nothing to do with minors. It’s been this way for a while and his probation officer has no idea when his restrictions will be lifted.
My niece herself is very bright and sweet. Unfortunately, she is also (understandably) starting to have lots of emotional issues. She lies a lot and is very manipulative. She is very affectionate with everyone, even people she doesn’t know well. She is terrified of being kidnapped, to the point where she can’t sleep alone at my mom’s house because she is afraid someone will break in and take her. She is also stunningly beautiful and I really worry that she is going to be a creep magnet when she gets older.
So my question is – how can I and the rest of my family help her? We all try to stay as involved in her life as possible but know there’s not really much we can do to influence her parent’s choices. I don’t live in the same state but I could afford to help out a little financially. I’m not sure what the best way would be though. Try to help her get counseling now? Sponsor her for an activity or group like girl scouts so she has some sort of outlet in her life? Wait until she’s older and help with counseling then? Any suggestions on how the extended family could support her would be greatly appreciated.
Dear DA,
You’re right, this is a very sad situation. I feel terrible for your niece, who has undergone many tremendous stressors in her young life. It is no wonder that she has trust issues and debilitating anxiety, because she has not had a stable and secure home life. She reminds me of this girl as well.
I think that, as I told the people in that post, the best thing you can do for your niece is to be there for her as a stable and loving presence in her life. People come and go in her life, and she needs to know that at least some people, like you and other members of her extended family, are there to stay. Extended family members can be a buffer for children in unstable homes, and many of these kids grow up and say, without my grandmother, or aunt (or whoever else), I would never have known what “normal” was.
I suggest that you save your money and spend it on traveling to see your niece on a regular basis. Time with her will far outweigh anything you could spend your money on from afar, at least once her basic needs are met. I would go so far as to say that weekly therapy might not even be as useful as a monthly weekend with you that she could look forward to all month. After all, a therapist won’t be there in her life forever- the therapist could move or leave the agency or what have you- but her relationship with you, a potential role model and loving aunt, will be there forever. (Of course, therapy is useful and if you have unlimited funds and her mother agrees, therapy would be great as well.)
When you do spend time with her, don’t try to change how she feels or thinks about things, that is not your job. Just be loving and stable, and know that she will likely idealize you and that is healthy for her. Tell her you love her and what a great little girl she is, and have fun with her, as I am sure you would do anyway.
Thanks for writing in and I wish your niece the best of luck. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Read This About Aunts, Incidentally.