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How To Talk To Your Kids About Your Difficult Childhood

Reader Difficult Upbringing Problems writes,

I had a question on your “parents with sad stories” post but I don’t want to out myself to Facebook. I am constantly torn between being honest when my kids ask questions about my own childhood, or sugar coating. Either way feels wrong.

We have a very nice life so its hard for my kids to even envision any situation they ask about from my childhood. I definitely don’t vent to them. But when my child asks, “Mommy, what was the Seder like when you were a kid?” I can answer “The macaroons were yummy!” or “There really wasn’t any singing, but there was a lot of fighting and we hated it, its kinda sad but almost funny how much they got worked up.”

I try to be honest if the story isn’t just rated R, and if it is, I just generalize that Grandpa had anger issues so it wasn’t fun. I don’t want to dwell in the past, but, even aside from the issue of my kids, I realize by never talking about my painful past, I have old friends who don’t truly know me. And I find it hard to find the middle ground between my kids knowing the real me vs burdening them with a past that isn’t theirs.

We have no contact with my parents, but they have met them and seen the milder bad behavior which is why we had to go to no contact.

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Dear DUP,

This is an issue that applies to many of us with difficult childhoods.  I am strongly in favor of talking to kids about real world topics in age appropriate ways that help them gradually learn about the world.  Then again, you do not want to make (especially Highly Sensitive) children overwhelmed with distress when they think about things that happened to you when you were their age.  How to find the balance?

I try to be real with my own children about issues from my childhood.  Honestly, we take a lot from our upbringings.  Most people who experienced a very angry parent either have anger issues themselves (which they can either admit or minimize) or have become people-pleasers that fear conflict.  Certainly, therapy helps with both of these potential outcomes but at least one of them is bound to resonate with you. 

Therefore, talking about your own upbringing and linking it to your own current issues is a great way to help your kids understand why you are how you are and not take your issues personally. (It also preps them to explore their own behavior and start linking their own current life to how they may act as adults; it is never too early to teach that connections exist between childhood and adulthood.)  In my own case, every so often, I say things to my kids like, “Listen, it isn’t you, it is me, I am not patient and it is in part due to the way I was raised and I try to work on it.”  They understand there was a lot of fighting in my house growing up and a lot of stress, and that noise and fighting is a big trigger to me because of it. This doesn’t mean they are too scared to fight with each other, unfortunately (but also fortunately because if they were walking on eggshells then I would be replicating my upbringing which is the opposite of my goal as a mother), but hopefully they think:

  • “I see why this bothers Mommy so much and maybe I will try not to do it especially if she is stressed out” (aka empathy)
  • “Our fighting with one another is pretty normal for kids but it is because of stuff that happened to Mommy that she hates it so much; her response isn’t because we are bad kids”

Of course, I also try and moderate my own impatience and anger about their fighting, but that is internal work and my ability to do it waxes and wanes at different times based on stress, where I am in my cycle, and other variables.  By sharing more about my own past, though, my intent is to show the kids that the problem is me, not them, and also cultivate empathy. (I discuss here why it is important for your kids to learn to empathize with you and treat you well rather than only YOU trying to empathize with THEM.)

When you talk about your childhood, do not end on a tragic note.  Discuss the very real positives of your upbringing.  One likely is increased empathy.  My own experiences helped me feel deeply for those in pain and/or who are trapped in dysfunctional marriages.  I have based a successful career on understanding and helping other people who struggle with dysfunctional upbringings.  Also, like I am sure you do, I have found healing and meaning in breaking certain cycles of my own upbringing.  Two that I bring up to the kids are my attempts to help them confront their fears (versus being so anxious that they can’t engage in the world), and expressing my love openly to them.  Another one that became relevant after my divorce and remarriage was my goal of showing them a loving and low-conflict adult relationship, versus the one I saw as a child.  

Children deserve to know their parents, and, guess what, you also deserve to feel fully known by your kids and by your friends, for that matter.  Although this was not the focus of your question, I encourage you to be more open with your friends about your upbringing. First of all, many of them will share things that surprise you and show you their lives weren’t as perfect as you would have guessed.  And second, they will not judge you as you fear they will. 

I speak from experience on this one.  I grew up in a “Don’t tell anyone what goes on in this house” home as I bet you did, as so many dysfunctional families are that way.  This makes you think that anyone who knows how truly “messed up” your family is will look down on you.  This is a load of bullshit.  There is not one human I have ever shared anything about my childhood with that has said, “Boy, you’re too messed up to be friends with.” If anything, they understood me better and it likely made sense of a lot of whatever issues in me they had always observed (without saying anything about).  Also, in response, I heard things about my friends’ own struggles with their parents that I previously didn’t know when both of us were playing our cards close to our chest out of fear of judgment.

I wish you the best with this task and congratulations on giving your children the life that would have made you a happier child.  They do not have a split-screen showing their Seder next to your crappy one, but you do, and only you know how much internal work you have done to give them a fun and laidback holiday instead of a stressful and anxious one.  Be proud of yourself, you deserve to feel great nachas about your Seder and your parenting in general.  And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Being More Authentic Will Ease A Lot Of The Lingering Anxiety You Feel From Your Stressful Childhood.


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