Reader Philosophical Question writes,
You write here that you can’t have your cake and eat it too, that you can’t both create kids with grit and kids who are very emotionally secure. But here, you talk about how to cultivate kids that can play on their own and therefore have some grit. So my question is, can’t parents have their cake and eat it too? And if we can’t, then is it really better to turn out secure, emotionally healthy kids who have a great relationship with us, but who might be less able to hold their nose and sometimes do things they don’t like? What’s your opinion? You’ve probably seen all types of people from all types of homes in your practice, right?
Dear PQ,
First, thanks for reading all my articles so carefully! Not even my blood relatives do that. Next, I think there are some fine points to tease apart. I do believe that grit or perseverance or the ability to play independently at a bare minimum can be cultivated in children. However, there is a difference between the grit that a loving, secure home can inculcate in a child, and the grit that will be inculcated by a difficult home environment. Does this mean that you should create a hard scrabble, invalidating home life in order to create a tougher kid? Obviously not.
There are some parents who do feel like they should create a more strict, difficult environment for their child in order to create a more resilient kid. The problem is, many kids do not do well in such an environment, and for every CEO that was raised in poverty with an alcoholic parent, there are 99 adults with major issues from being raised in such a tough environment. Also, many people, like this guy, are uncomfortable with the idea of having a sensitive child because they fear for their child’s ability to roll with the punches later in life. However, as I tell him, you can’t make a highly sensitive kid into one who isn’t sensitive, and you will almost certainly make your child feel unhappy and inadequate if you try to change their temperament by invalidating their feelings or experience.
This is not to say that you should coddle either a sensitive child or any other child. It is very important to allow children to take risks and to fail, and to learn that discomfort is not dangerous or scary. There are many ways to do this without shaming or condescending to your child. Encouragement, love, and a confident, laid back parenting style can do wonders to cultivate grit and independence in your child. For example, if your child is hesitant around the monkey bars, step back and see what they do without you hovering and calling out “be careful.” Give your children room and space to grow into their natural resilience.
There is no “either or” in parenting. You can promote independence while also being loving and kind. Grit stems from being allowed to try and fail. Emotionally secure kids can have grit, although it may not look like the grit that you see in those who were raised in more hardscrabble surroundings. However, they may also have more flexibility, patience, and even empathy than people who needed a certain level of “hunger” to succeed and get themselves up and out of a difficult childhood (like this post, the self-made man in therapy). Thanks for writing in, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, Also Read The Gift Of Failure.