This guest post is written by Tyler Jacobson, an adoptive dad who struggled with a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is a very helpful post that can help you understand how children may react to early trauma and abandonment.
I first heard of Reactive Attachment Disorder when I noticed that my young son was much more distant and detached than my friends’ children. As a first-time adoptive parent, I wasn’t sure which behaviors were average for a kid and which weren’t, so it took quite some time for us to get my son diagnosed and get him the support he needed.
I felt frustrated and confused about why my son didn’t respond to my affection, and insecure about my ability to be a good parent. My other kids felt rejected and, at times, jealous – they thought my son was acting out to get more attention. And our whole family was hurt. It took a long time for us all to accept that my son’s distant behavior wasn’t our fault, and that we’d have to be patient enough to go through the process of learning how to connect with him in a way that he feels comfortable with.
It’s been a long road to finding both understanding of my son’s challenges and a routine that works for our whole family, and support is what helped us through the sad times and into a better place. So now I’m here to support you. Raising our children to be the happiest and healthiest they can be is a challenge, yes – but it can be easier if we all share what we know. Being able to recognize the symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder may save your family time and confusion. Here is what I wish our family had known, so that it may help your family…
Reactive Attachment Disorder is diagnosed in kids that have been neglected or had inconsistent caregivers, such as those who have been adopted or been in the foster care system. It’s also common in kids that have been severely abused, either physically or emotionally. Children can display signs of Reactive Attachment Disorder as early as nine months of age, and the signs are almost always apparent by the age of five.
Reactive Attachment Disorder manifests in one of two ways: inhibited or disinhibited. Children who have the disinhibited version seek so much attention and interaction that they will readily engage with total strangers. They will also ask for help with tasks that they could easily do on their own or act much younger so that others will tend to them.
Children who have Inhibited Reactive Attachment Disorder are the complete opposite: they avoid physical contact and eye contact. They don’t reach out to be held or hugged, and they typically prefer to play alone rather than joining in games or activities. They don’t express emotions or ask questions. This type of Reactive Attachment Disorder is more likely to be found in distant children with a history of abuse or adoption. Our son is adopted and we were told that he was often left unattended before we brought him into our home – this is one of the factors that can contribute to the development of Reactive Attachment Disorder.
Keep in mind that only extreme displays of these behaviors could indicate that your child has Reactive Attachment Disorder; a kid who is shy or independent doesn’t necessarily have something wrong with him or her. But a kid who almost never tries to engage with you or actively disengages every time you try to interact may have an underlying illness like Reactive Attachment Disorder that is causing the distant behavior. Our son wouldn’t look at us, refused to play games and refused our touches when we held him or hugged him – all of which are odd behaviors for a young, otherwise healthy child.
In babies, symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder include colic, failure to gain weight and failure to reach out when picked up or held.
In children and teens, the following are indicators of Reactive Attachment Disorder:
- No apparent interest in interactive games or activities
- Hesitancy or extreme shyness in social situations
- Not asking questions
- Not seeking comfort when emotionally upset; handling emotions independent of adults and other family members
- Failure to reciprocate physical affection, such as hugs
If your child is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, he or she still has a bright future ahead. Therapy can help your child learn how to manage the symptoms, and there is plenty you can do as a parent to support your child. Consistent daily routines and disciplinary practices, along with finding ways to connect with your child, will have a positive impact on his or her ability to engage with others and express emotions. These methods are especially important for parenting a teen with Reactive Attachment Disorder.
We have found that sticking to a predictable family schedule has helped our son. We also invite him to join in group activities, but don’t make a fuss if he chooses not to join in or excuses himself midway through. Some days he doesn’t participate, but other days he will make the effort. I am happy to say that our son is now connecting with other kids in our neighborhood and letting us comfort him more and more often.
Along the way, our family has had many conversations about what kinds of affection and attention make us feel loved, as well as what kinds of behaviors and responses make us feel appreciated and let us know that our warmth is reciprocated. It’s not only taught us all how to interact with my son better, but also with each other. We’re all a little more thoughtful and patient with how we treat each other – and that has reassured me that I am a good parent, that our family is loving and kind, and that we will cope with this together the best we can. May your family find the same patience, communication and hope that we found.
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Great and educational post! Leave Tyler some love, visit his site, and follow him on Twitter. And until we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist That Says Not to Worry if Your Kids Talks to Everyone All The Time, There are Other Symptoms As You See As Well.