Reader Will Never Ever Marry an Only Man-Child Again Ever!!! writes:
Our 4th grader was asked to leave her private school, because she has learning differences…she wasn’t failing out…occasional C’s. This change was not a big deal to me! We chose a new school and are welcomed with open arms, but my husband thinks that she should still play sports on old school/church league with old friends she had from Pre-K till 4th grade. She is going into middle school and I think she should learn to make new friends at her new school and join their team. My husband says these kids from her old school were the only ones that accepted her, therefore she should play with her old friends and not be able to move on.
I am about to walk out! I can’t take this ridiculousness anymore… Yes, there are bigger issues in our marriage and I have been asking for counseling for years…I am burnt out and emotionally tired!
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Dear Husband Being an Only Child Doesn’t Seem To Be The Issue,
First of all, good insight noting that there are bigger problems in the marriage than this. For this issue to spark a desire to leave the marriage indicates that you are desperately unhappy and have been for a long time, as you mention. In terms of the issue at hand, I agree with you that she should move on to a new team and hang out with new friends. She can certainly socialize with the old friends on weekends, but I definite think it is healthy for your child to move forward and create a social network in the school that she is currently attending.
I believe that you may have mentioned your husband’s only child status as a proxy for other issues, possibly that he is anxious, overprotective, or narcissistic. It is probable that he was isolated or rejected as a child, and now he is projecting that fear onto your daughter. He may believe that the new children will not accept her and therefore he feels that he is protecting her by trying to keep her on the old team, and this fear may be conscious or unconscious. Maybe he himself enjoys socializing at the old school more, and wants to continue going to games and activities there, but he is unconscious of this desire and making it all about your daughter instead. Maybe the old school was higher status and he is embarrassed they asked your child to leave, so he wants to show that they can’t kick her off the team even though they kicked her out of the school, as a point of pride and spite. Maybe he doesn’t like the new school and feels that he is of higher status than the parents there, because it is more inclusive of all children and accepted your child while the other school rejected her (like the Groucho Marx quote “I wouldn’t want to be part of any club that would have me as a member”). Maybe something about the parents makes him fear that he will be judged or rejected.
Did your husband suffer peer rejection as a child? Did his parents feel that they fit in with others? Was there narcissism in the family, so that they only want to associate with high status people or institutions? There is so much to unpack here, but your dynamic, and likely your husband’s level of self-awareness, is precluding any in-depth and productive conversation.
I second, and third, and fourth, your idea about going into couples counseling. You’re exactly who should go. If he won’t agree, read this, or this. Your husband probably has unresolved childhood issues that stem more from feeling insecure and rejected, by either caregivers or peers, than just being an only child. In this case, he is either insecure about how his daughter will be perceived or treated, or how he will be perceived or treated by extension. He may be hiding this fear underneath a narcissistic persona which helps people who are very insecure at their core, but makes him dismissive of you and your parenting ideas. A skilled therapist will be able to help you and your husband cognizant of how your past experiences shape your current parenting, relationships, and communication.
If the narcissism idea resonates with you, read some of these books, and this article. Good luck and keep me updated. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, I Really Want to Know His Childhood History Now.