Reader Mom of a Hoarder writes,
My 9-year-old has a tendency to keep EVERYTHING she gets her hands on, and I’m not sure if it’s normal or if I should be concerned.
Dear MOH,
Well, both. I did this as a kid and it was a response to both my innate and learned anxiety, and also my innate and learned tendency to hoard. Think about the following questions:
1. By “everything,” do you mean shells, rocks, little figures? Or things that are really trash, like little bits of string, paper, etc?
2. How does her room look? Is it embarrassing to have playdates?
3. Does your child have other issues with anxiety, OCD, depression, Asperger’s?
4. Since you’re writing in, I assume you don’t have an issue with this yourself, but does your child’s other parent have a tendency to hoard?
Your child likely is a Highly Sensitive Child, and she has a strong sentimental response to objects, may be anxious about needing them in the future, and also may feel bad for the objects when she gets rid of them. Each of these issues can be targeted in different ways by Cognitive Behavioral or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy techniques, such as thinking through what would happen if you got rid of something that reminded you of a loved family member. (“What else could you do to remind yourself of this person? Maybe we could write about this object and the experience you had with it in a journal.”)
Additionally, you can guide your child through exposures, which would mean gradually increasing the amount of anxiety that she can tolerate, so first stopping herself from collecting more things, outside of a certain limit (one thing in, one thing out), then donating or disposing of some of her least essential possessions, then donating or disposing of more until her collections are winnowed down to her most prized objects. If this type of process causes tremendous anxiety and meltdowns, you may want to enlist a professional.
A word about child psychology: many parents don’t want to bring their children to therapists unless there is a real severe problem. By this time, your child needs to do a tremendous amount of hard work and a problem may have become very entrenched. Why not take your child to a professional earlier on? Child psychologists are loving, patient, and accepting people with training to help your child thrive. I think, when in doubt, err on the side of bringing your child to a child psychologist who can, at the very least, assuage your feelings of anxiety and normalize your child’s behavior, or, if necessary, can provide you with a thoughtful evaluation and possible directions for therapeutic work.
Good luck, and till we meet again, I remain, The Ex-Hoarding Blogapist.